There’s only one word to describe me this week: Gloomy.
I am having an identity crisis.
Considering that these were random situations and random people mentioning about the same issue to me, I knew that I have reached the tipping point. I have to change.
The problem is, I’ve been aware of this problem since high school. Since college. Since entering the university. And, since entering this entrepreneurial programme in Stockholm. I knew it all along. I knew about this matter but I’ve never got around to rectifying it.
I’ve always been a people-pleaser. To my parents, to my friends, to my acquaintances. I just cannot be mean. Of course, there are times when I lose my temper. However, I would feel instantly bad afterwards and would repeatedly think about that bad situation for the entire day. There are people whom I truly dislike, but believe it or not, I am still planning to give them souvenirs. I know I am definitely not a sweet-heart (because of my short fuse), but, sigh, I seriously don’t like making people feel uncomfortable, or unhappy. It makes me unhappy to see them unhappy. How ironic.
I’ve come up with a work plan for me to find an identity. In the course of the next few weeks, whilst anticipating assignments, presentations, events, and my one-month summer trip, I will constantly ask myself these few questions that I have obtained from Psychology Suite101:
- What makes my heart and soul resonate? When do I feel most happy and relaxed?
- What’s the first thought or feeling that I have when I meet a song, person, memory, or experience?
- What’s the third thought or feeling that I have when I meet a song, person, memory, or experience?
- When – and with whom – do I feel depressed, sad, or drained? They are people I should avoid.
- When do I feel physically ill or unhealthy? These are situations I should avoid.
- What meetings, visits, or events do I find myself dragging myself to? These are circumstances I should limit or eliminate.
I need to be stronger mentally. I aspire to be a journalist with the courage to expose news that need to be heard to create changes for environmental sustainability and to improve our education system. I cannot stay on like this, like a bamboo, bending and swaying according to the wind’s temperament.
So, what’s my mantra for this month? ‘We have to constantly evolve for the better’.
P.S. Breezing through the comments in that psychology site made me realise that a lot of people having the same problem. Nice to know I’m alone, but I’m sad to learn that this problem is widespread.